Pretending to Be Gone - This Song Deserves That Effort

Someone sent me a YouTube to listen to, a stranger really, you know how that goes on the internet? It is a love song but my heart took it another way. I wrote this poem below with the emotions it gave me. The song is by Snow Patrol and it is called, "Chasing Cars". You can find it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN7dpm-kbbQ
You can google the title, and get the lyrics online too of course, if you want clarity of what the song is truly about. It's author Gary Lightbody, wrote an amazing song indeed.



This then is MY POEM with MY EMOTIONS caused by listening:


"Pretending to Be Gone - This Song Deserves That Effort"

Ohhh I am soothed,
pleasured,
and embraced by passion.
I LOVE this song
that is not you!

Within this song...
I wish you beauty,
so I am sending you peace,
tranquility,
and within those emotions,
enough room to fly in.

Someone said we could go skiing,
and as we lit upon the snow,
I wanted to feel it.
Cold soft ice beneath my feet
tempting me to fall.
I did,
but you did not catch me.
You were no where around.

If I strike up this song again,
maybe I can make it afresh,
those stirrings,
that beckon people towards majesty.

Weeds choking out flowers,
do not come this way,
no not again.
I have found my tongue,
forming words ,
I always knew I could.

So my dear,
I love this song,
despite those past failings.
I am wet from the rain now.
And in that measure,
I can feel myself lift up,
I was never meant for snow,
no.
I was meant for flight,
and that is why I finally took that path.

Hold your own guilt,
I certainly hold mine,
my god isn't that true?
Or didn't you ever hold that bible?

Ohh, I am trembling.
I feel my own soul now.
I have dismissed the maid.
She never cleaned my bridges anyway.

I am miles away now,
and yes you're right,
upon reflecting,
I always was that far.
Silence told me I was not moving,
till I looked at my own feet.
No one should be asked to stay.
No,
not on Sunday.
Did you know...
I could only look out windows,
pretending to be gone?
This song deserves that effort.

21 July 2008
by Kathy Ostman-Magnusen
copyright 2008

~~*~~

http://www.squidoo.com/legendofpegasus

"Oh Spirit of Pegasus-My Muse, My Captain, My Elusive Mentor"



Kathy Ostman-Magnusen
"The Lei Giver" 24x48 oil on canvas



"My Muse, My Captain, My Elusive Mentor"

I consider you to be my prison
as if every breath wore a bell
tied to a circumstance
never to be forgotten.

I sit in a garden
under my umbrella
creating music from the rain.
I hear your whispered greetings
soft but clear.
My mind traveled spaces
to interrupt you.
How do I find my place?
How do I continue on?

I handed you a petal
white with lavender edges
I am so very far away from holy.
I am not the unicorn nor pegasus
that I described in all my musings.
I stumbled on all the stars
they are not mine
and yet
I miss them so
and listen for their breathing.

At midnight I am still awake.
I hear you.
I take in all your sacrificial offerings
sift out my own impurities
feel the sadness
of not realizing them before
not wrapping up hope
and protecting it there
amidst the shadows.

In many ways I do not love you.
You must not be surprised
it comes from years of self
seeing ones own image
studying it
defining it
hoping for the best
waking up disappointed.

Legends
I feel them.
You simply do not fit.
You insist on being unique.
I follow
and find my own circumference
intrigued
yet never measuring up.

There you are
in the rain
not sharing my shelter
I guess you do not need it like I do.

by Kathy Ostman-Magnusen
18 March 2007

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"Dark Fantasy Art|Fantasy Art Wallpaper"

Dark fantasy art
fantasy art wallpaper.
I step out onto the dust
feel it touch my sins.
I know its time to move forward.
I thrive in the mystery of what can be.
I fold up all the symptoms of regret.
I see its torment.
I speak wisely to myself
and yet
I know myself too well.
I will stand before my paintings
brush in hand
ready for the strokes
I touch another dimension
I hold its mystery.
I sing to the music
hear its intrusion
it soaks up discontent.
I wipe my brow
I take cotton
wipe the blood away.
Dark fantasy art
fantasy art wallpaper.

I struggle unwisely at times.
No way to move past corners.
I wake up to what could be
host it all with coffee.
I sit and plan my stride.
I reach inside my pocket
full of lint.
'Stop it!"
I say.
Stop all the disbelief
and contend with unpainted canvases.
They wait
they decide my fate if I let them.
I coat myself with vinegar and soap
I will wash away these nightmares
three times.
Oh and yet no
toss and turn
who will I be today?
Dark fantasy art
fantasy art wallpaper.

Blankets cover up potential
sure things.
Sentimental musings
untidy kitchen
blinded by the knowledge
of well meant affirmations.
Clearly I am allowed
allow myself
to come into a vision.
Yes, I sigh
despite my back and forth
troubled mind
at times.
All is well.
That is what I choose for this moment
that is all I need to see.
Paint on I tell myself.
Dream and make glitter out of nonsense.
Retreat to where I know I am magic.
Dark fantasy art
fantasy art wallpaper.

9 February 2007
Kathy Ostman-Magnusen

Self Acceptance & Acknowledgment of Achievements, Self Confidence Here I Come! (I hope?)

As an artist who questions herself on an hourly basis, "Is this the right direction? Is this good? Am I there yet or at least close?" I understand the need for confidence builders.

I don't consider myself to be a genius in any way shape or form. I am at times haunted by indecision and self doubt. I think that sense of indecision does confirm intelligence however so I give myself that star and post in on my bulletin board .

I have always felt that the second you think you have arrived you are indeed finished. You will never meet that goal if that is indeed your goal. Try to fall in love with the process.

A mark of intelligence it so admit wrong, see visions in the simple and create in oneself the ability to creatively express it.

I had an artist friend once who told me that if I wanted to learn to paint well that I could learn from an past artists. He said the best way is to read about the artists life. What caused them to find expertise and what their journey like. Oft times I relate on some level and realize their struggles were something I can relate to.

I am not nor have I ever been alone in my struggle for self acceptance and acknowledgment of achievements.

I have come across plenty of artists who say they know it all and then you see their work and put it into perspective. Sometimes people say they have the answers you need and it turns out they are just sort of full of themselves. You know?

Maybe, just maybe by putting it all into perspective I can arrive at some middle ground and accept that I do have reasons to feel confident about myself. It is OK to say I have reached certain goals and feel proud of the process. I am learning and growing. I am and you are too. Lets realize our efforts and feel confident about recognizing the journey is difficult at times maybe, but we are none the less making the effort, a real sign of intelligence!

We are all trying to find our way.