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"Oh Spirit of Pegasus-My Muse, My Captain, My Elusive Mentor"



Kathy Ostman-Magnusen
"The Lei Giver" 24x48 oil on canvas



"My Muse, My Captain, My Elusive Mentor"

I consider you to be my prison
as if every breath wore a bell
tied to a circumstance
never to be forgotten.

I sit in a garden
under my umbrella
creating music from the rain.
I hear your whispered greetings
soft but clear.
My mind traveled spaces
to interrupt you.
How do I find my place?
How do I continue on?

I handed you a petal
white with lavender edges
I am so very far away from holy.
I am not the unicorn nor pegasus
that I described in all my musings.
I stumbled on all the stars
they are not mine
and yet
I miss them so
and listen for their breathing.

At midnight I am still awake.
I hear you.
I take in all your sacrificial offerings
sift out my own impurities
feel the sadness
of not realizing them before
not wrapping up hope
and protecting it there
amidst the shadows.

In many ways I do not love you.
You must not be surprised
it comes from years of self
seeing ones own image
studying it
defining it
hoping for the best
waking up disappointed.

Legends
I feel them.
You simply do not fit.
You insist on being unique.
I follow
and find my own circumference
intrigued
yet never measuring up.

There you are
in the rain
not sharing my shelter
I guess you do not need it like I do.

by Kathy Ostman-Magnusen
18 March 2007

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Self Acceptance & Acknowledgment of Achievements, Self Confidence Here I Come! (I hope?)

As an artist who questions herself on an hourly basis, "Is this the right direction? Is this good? Am I there yet or at least close?" I understand the need for confidence builders.

I don't consider myself to be a genius in any way shape or form. I am at times haunted by indecision and self doubt. I think that sense of indecision does confirm intelligence however so I give myself that star and post in on my bulletin board .

I have always felt that the second you think you have arrived you are indeed finished. You will never meet that goal if that is indeed your goal. Try to fall in love with the process.

A mark of intelligence it so admit wrong, see visions in the simple and create in oneself the ability to creatively express it.

I had an artist friend once who told me that if I wanted to learn to paint well that I could learn from an past artists. He said the best way is to read about the artists life. What caused them to find expertise and what their journey like. Oft times I relate on some level and realize their struggles were something I can relate to.

I am not nor have I ever been alone in my struggle for self acceptance and acknowledgment of achievements.

I have come across plenty of artists who say they know it all and then you see their work and put it into perspective. Sometimes people say they have the answers you need and it turns out they are just sort of full of themselves. You know?

Maybe, just maybe by putting it all into perspective I can arrive at some middle ground and accept that I do have reasons to feel confident about myself. It is OK to say I have reached certain goals and feel proud of the process. I am learning and growing. I am and you are too. Lets realize our efforts and feel confident about recognizing the journey is difficult at times maybe, but we are none the less making the effort, a real sign of intelligence!

We are all trying to find our way.